How to Throw a Good Tantrum

Go get mad and get everything you want too.

If you’re reading this on a good day, definitely leave a comment for us with the details on what you did that made that possible for you.

That was not the case here! Today was day two of an inner monologue commentary-on tantrum from the un-silenceable lizard-minded part of me that seems to somehow still be at war with the most recently installed gatekeeper other in here.

It wasn’t great. And we damn did our best to make it through. Make it through we did. In an effort to not forgot how, and in an effort to share some of this hope with others, here are our top tips for how to lean in and make the most of your next tantrum too. Now! In new newsletter form.

One cool part of my life I would definitely not have asked for if given the choice has been the opportunity to learn a lot of lessons the hard way about how to be resilient and successful. So for my own memory and for my fellow travelers — sober or not but particularly for those other thanks, water for me weirdos –– here are the top things to not forgot as we muck our way through the next real emotional dip, tantrum, or freakout, and make it through to the other side alive. And better than ever!

Note: these are not tips for a panic attack or dissociative episode. Those are topics for different pieces to write about sometime. This is for when the small child inside you is busting through, stomping around, pouting, shouting, crying, thrashing about, trying to punch you, etc. but might still be tamed or subdued with something sweet to eat or an ASMR tiny baking YouTube.

Take heed, done improperly a bad tantrum can take you under — at least if you’re a sober fellow like me. Maybe for those who are not alcoholics or drug addicts tantrums come and go. Shit gets real here though. Done well, they can be transformative and practically enjoyable.

How does one come out on the other side not drunk or dead, not in bed with some new incomprehensible demoralization, or otherwise unharmed? Read on!

Pro Tip #1 - Send Invites

Pity parties get invites so please, do not leave your tantrums out of the party planning fun. Seriously, pick a date or a few dates and stick to them. Go all out for a day or two. You could have a more public tantrum, though we find invite only smaller affairs to be best. Get an exclusive group together and let them know. “Checking out for a few days, wish me luck! You’re invited but please lets not really see each other in person. Pray for me.” Set limits though and know there is an end in sight.

Pro Tip #2 - Include an Agenda

Without an agenda, your tantrum could really have just been an angrily written email that you smugly re-read a few times but never send.

Stop before you try to hold time on anyone’s, especially your own, calendar for a tantrum that lasts any longer than eight minutes. What is the why behind your potentially hours long event? Did your ex reach out after four years of no contact? Is it mental illness awareness month and you’re down to rep? Is the planet in a code red climate crisis? Has someone has just asked you, “Did you think we had plans?” in a way that makes it seem like they definitely know the answer and are only mocking you? Some tantrums do really need to be an extended affair, and these ones will also need an agenda. Unless you’re a love addict too. Then just do the agenda part.

A good tantrum has a start point and a timeline for you stick to. What kicks it off? How will it close?

Sometimes you may not have the luxury of getting your best planning for a tantrum underway until it has already begun. Do not despair. Many of the best begin in this impromptu fashion. If you do find yourself in one unplanned, stop and take note. Chances are you sent your own invite out but did follow the proper naming conventions and there was absolutely no agenda, so no wonder you’re now lost wondering what the purpose is of this event and your life in general.

Naming conventions and formats help everyone. You can get trapped in a tantrum if you don’t realize you’re in one to begin with and even the best parties get tiresome and passé if they go on too long.

No invite or request to hold time for a reason that makes sense to you and someone more emotionally stable than you? No agenda on that invite? It’s time to decline.

Pro Tip #3 - Enlist Help

Seriously, hire out help to really throw a proper tantrum. Get a guide on board with you, and bother them as much as possible or stay completely silent while you try to manage and control the affair yourself. Something in between might be extreme, but you could try it if you’re feeling particularly adventurous.

You could enlist a free guide, if you are lucky and also qualify for the humiliation that is membership in a twelve step program and now have at the ready an overwhelmingly large network of loving and supportive people willing to answer your calls literally any time day or night.

Party planning can be tiresome and stressful even for the best of events, so unload on someone willing to help you out of the goodness of their own heart and take a bit of the pressure off yourself.

Of course, professional help can up the game even further, and if budget allows, definitely opt for a pro to come on board.

Good help will have experience, and participated in many tantrums of their own. Good help will be there to listen to your definitely logical fears, and coordinate clean up with you. They will also be able to help you plan the run of show. This brings us to tip #4.

Pro Tip #4 - Play Games

It’s time for the main event. It’s time for fun. While mind games played with yourself or attempts to play them with others can seem enticing, the best tantrums are about good and wholesome fun, like crying in your car in the grocery store parking lot, screaming somewhere people probably won’t hear you but not sure maybe, crumpling paper up that you’ve been writing on mid-sentence, tearing more paper up into little bits, throwing something potentially valuable but likely not to break across the room and seeing if you’re right, or playing Find the Zoom Twelve Step Meeting Password.

Keep your qualifiers, enablers, toxic “friends,” and your own thinking off your invite list and you can get ready to relax and enjoy.

Pro Tip #5 - Check Your Stats

Throughout the tantrum it is a good idea to check in on how things are going. How many hours have gone by? How many calls have you ignored? How many texts are you feeling badly about not having replied to? Get a sense of what else is going well too. How many meals have you eaten that have two or more food groups? How many minutes have you seen the sun? How many times have you brushed your teeth? How many deathtraps have you sidestepped?

Pro Tip #6 - Say Thank You

End a tantrum right and make sure to send thank yous to your guests and to yourself. “Appreciate you helping me not die again,” or “Coming back up for air. Love to see you in a few more weeks, thanks for just being there.” Sometimes, an apology may be needed after a tantrum that was not planned well, either for someone that was not invited or was caught in the whirlwind of your plans. “Sorry to have tried to murder you with my words last week. How can I make that right? Appreciate all the work you do for us.” “Sorry to have not responded or given any sign of life for the last four weeks to your kind text, thinking you of you my friend.” Get on the level with your guests, whether they knew or not in advance that they were attending.

A tantrum done well, wrapped well, sets the stage for the next even better one. Here’s hoping you get to have some fun in them too.

Anything useful for you in this? Nothing useful but you’re willing to support and encourage? Send me your RSVP and hit the heart button to let me know you’re here.

If you’re stuck in a tantrum and in need of some relief, reach out, check out www.madeofmillion.org or start your own newsletter in the meantime too!

Leave me a comment about how you get through and any ride the emotional roller coaster tips you have. Your hope, hearts, skills, lessons, and presence help me get through too.

XO,

K